You picked a bad night to stay in. ____ caught her hair on fire in ____'s birthday cake.
She had to stop drop and roll while two other girls beat the flames out. She might have a black eye
So I got my period. Finally. In related news, I reinstated my belief in God.
One minute shes telling me about her volunteer work then she whips out a 12 inch dildo
Sorry you had to hear me puke. I didn't know I called you. Was it graceful?
so its thursday, which means its time to resume communication with you
I am so hungover and cant move but craving a Wendys frosty so bad. I might have to watch 2 girls 1 cup just to settle the urge
sorry i couldnt make it to your birthday last night. i admit i chose being a whore over you.
He just got home drunk. He ate 5 snack cakes, said Little Debbie's his bitch, went upstairs and fell asleep.
i hope this doesn't spoil anything but there are vikings and it is awesome
Yeaaah. I'm kinda wary about that guy. Does he still have that taser that he found on the train?
Just go to your happy place. Mine is with Jake Gyllenhaal & schnapps
you're no funn. i shall go consult my friend vodka on this matter.
It's my birthday weekend! I'm getting a Brazilian and he's going to fucking Arkansas. Where the fuck are his priorities?
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
We were in bed, and he looked at me and asked if I'd be weirded out if he took his leg off. BEST.SEX.EVER.
Randomize
