I woke up, mistook him for my ex, and started screaming. It was all that chest hair. I don't think this relationship is going anywhere.
I woke up this morning and I couldn't find my coffeetable. wtf?
I just spent the last 30 minutes shaving my asshole.
I remember why I come home for the holidays. Sam Adams is the cheapest beer in the fridge
I'm watching the Australian Open. They need to slow the fuck down. It's hard enough to follow sober and now it's just pissing me off.
FYI don't ever, ever get a lap dance from a stripper who says " she's having a bad day " at a bachelor party.
she called me a fuckfaceshitdick. not that's creative. it sounds like a crayola crayon, preferrably an orange-brown shade.
thank you for letting me use your house as a brothel.
In anticipation of No Judgement Tuesday, I believe a Can We LOL At What We Did Last Night Saturday is in order
You did a line of free coke with an obese Slovenian unlicensed cab driver in the toilets of the most questionable strip club in the country. New low man.
When you put it like that, I'm inclined to agree.
Just caught my dad doing coke in my bathroom again. Guess whose getting a new car for christmasss.
there COULD be a gas leak in our house... proceeding to smoke with extreme caution...
he just gave me a love letter in polish. he thinks i speak polish. I DONT SPEAK POLISH
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
We watched Purple Rain and then proceeded to have sex while listening to the album. If that's not exactly how Prince would want people to honor him, I don't know what is
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