Day two of vacation and my first drink of the day is a plan b colada
if i die of alcohol poisoning tonight, just know i kinda expected it and totally deserved it
What I thought it would be sexy pouring melted chocolate down here chest, ended up in second degree burns. Hot food and sex do not mix.
you smelled like vodka, i think that's why my grandma liked you
Also I feel that I would be a hell of a sled dog operator.
Pro: she asked me to be a bridesmaid. Con: i only have about nine months to get over a phobia of midget strippers.
Currently at a fetish club with a set of swings (don't ask). Having flashbacks to the park by my house
He walked up to anal ring toss like he was going to win you a teddy bear
Nobody feels the need to text me back. Men. And I sent myself a message saying nakedness. I'm all the man I need.
She picked me up from the bar in her underwear.
I feel better now, I have multiple fuck buddies again
So, i might have left my morals back in 2011.
I'm sorry I couldn't bail you out, apparenty they dont take credit cards over the phone. Did you at least make any friends in jail?
I woke up upside down with my head in your ottoman and like a foot of space between the ottoman and chair.. My legs were straight up in the air... Yes. Your mother found me.
You know you're more responsible when you turn down your bed and make a clear path to it before you go out..
Randomize
