WTF I just almost got ran over by a fucking cop!!!!!!
LOL you shoulda thrown yourself in front for money. Fucking cops!
If I had a sex resume I'd get tons of jobs.
I blacked out, fell off a swingset, and thought I was Liz Lemon for almost an hour.
in the morning i found her name, number and address on one of the empty pizza boxes. also said "ps. if you find my shoes please mail to me."
I'm deleting all the photos of dicks off my phone. This relationship could be serious
thanks for waiting 12 hours to ask if I was in a ditch or not
My last google search was 'bulk asian wives' I don't know either
I think my goal for this black wed is to not scream at an off duty state cop in a bar after trying to flirt with him. No need to make that an annual tradition
Contents of my pockets this morning: phone, condom, one hoop earring, half a cheeseburger, lighter and a $87 receipt from tacobell. Time for work.
My dick was almost in plain McDonald's sight
He told me he wants to eat me out all day while I lay in bed watching football. Seems like a solid foundation for a relationship to me.
Okay. How did someone manage to piss on TOP of a urinal? What giant is roaming around with a prick five feet from the ground?
I made out with drunk Joe Dirt and then put his mullet wig on for him. True Halloween romance.
Just left the ER. Only good thing... my hot ass nurse Carlos stripped me.
God works in mysterious ways.
So I fell alseep while I was motorboating that girl last night infront of the entire party.
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