Say "Steve Buscemi is hot." with a straight face.
I just mistook a monk for someone with the newest colored snuggie.
Helping high family members not look retarded is what family is for
I think misery doesn't even think of me as company anymore. I'm an unofficial roommate.
My hand is eating my burrito and not saving any for my mouth. TRIPPPPPPPPPPPPPPINN!
Everytime I walk into a bathroom at school that I've taken a pregnancy test in I get a little bit nostalgic....
Come on. It's already happy hour in Europe...Man up. "I'm at work" and "it's a tuesday" are not valid excuses.
Well on a positive note, crystal light now comes in margarita flavor
My sister was not impressed when she got here. I was standing in the doorway in my underwear drinking a beer. At 2pm. On a Monday.
There are two things I love in this world. Dick and cats. Why can't I just have dick and cats forever
Don't use or open the microwave. It's full of smoke. Buying a new one tomorrow, will explain.
Eredayimstrugglin ..Can we talk about the fact that I just typed "er" and it autocorrected to that. Fuck my life.
I finally had to say "that's the hole where I pee" for him to understand.
he fell asleep naked and all I'm doing is staring at his weird balls
Tequila shots and throwing it at a bell.
This is dumb. I'll keep doing it.
Randomize
