so it turns out you can rearrange the letters in "scottsdale" to spell "milf city." who knew?
i hope thats the last time i ever see ryan's hairy ass fucking
Almost accidentally stole a baby... explain later
I mean I woke up wearing my bathing suit which blows my mind
I told the girl who was peeing in the garbage can she must have had a lot of upper body strength.
Wanna go watch Transformers and scream "AMERICA!"? I need a no thought activity
Celebrating anything "Eve" is never a good choice! I feel like my soul's been put in a blender on the "destroy" setting- in other news: Happy 4th of July
sorry to break it to you, but he's definitely fucking that other girl now...
I wish I still at least had the bruises on my ass to remember him by.
Pro: She likes to masturbate to 50 shades of grey. Con: She reads 50 Shades of grey non-ironically.
I was drunk and really grossed out when you poured cheese on me and, I guess I just freaked out.
I made a bong out of my deodorant today. Did you?
I just found a reminder in my phone to ask you about your sex life in 7 years. So how is that going?
At one point, the bartender wrote out the words "please kill me" on some receipt paper and slid it across the bar to me.
I am so so sorry I bit your butt last night. Twice.
Apparently I gave a guy a hand job on the dance floor. ON THE DANCE FLOOR.
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