I use a guy for sex and get three minutes out of him. go figure
Omg. Just talked to a semi driver from nebraska. Got her truck stuck. Gave her and her riding buddy a glass of vodka and a cig. YES.
That bus ride was like a tour of all the bushes I puked behind last night
I've already come up with two plans that will probably end with me getting kicked out of here. You guys should come faster.
Yes I was being legit. That's the only plant I want in my house. A growing penis.
I feel the need to send all my exes pictures of penises larger than theirs. Because they all must suffer.
marshmallow pipe was a success. so was melon pipe. come try it
And on the subject of embracing my inner whore, I had two different dicks in my mouth yesterday. Friend, it's official. I'm completely outta control.
im at work. we just had a random 14-year-old amish girl come in and gift us with cinnamon rolls as thanks for letting her use the bathroom. i dont even know.
I know shes my ex. And I know she punched me in the face and stole my car to go get drunk. But it's the best sex I've ever had.
You're sick. Take pictures if you can.
It's not a real holiday until someone pees on you. Did someone pee on you?
Realized we were outta oj used gerber graduates mixed fruit juice as a mixer. Mother of the Year award right here
Sex in the moonbounce later?
This is why I love you.
I started screaming "MY PARENTS ARE MORMON" at a stranger and promptly proceeded to run into a wall. How do you think it went?
I wish u could call a dildo. Like you do a missing cell phone.
Randomize
