Also my back is semi rug burned and I'm holding you fully responsible.
I would love to give you more rug burn
Phrase i just heard while watching the U.S. open: "Boy they have really trimmed it well, this has got to be the tightest hole in the Open."
we thought you were sober enough for a movie but you took one look at emily blunt and screamed "aw this bitch?!" and passed out 30 seconds later
dude, I just walked in on your little brother changing clothes...I'm ashamed to say I noticed, but that kid has as MASSIVE cock...
Yeah...we all know. it's the elephant in the room at family gatherings.
that is a frighteningly accurate metaphor for it.
i have a picture in my phone of you with a bottle of tequila in your back pocket. i believe you were saying "pocket of champions" or something along those lines
I'm like the Mother Theresa of booty calls.
At least in the future when we're all real people we can laugh about the time we all had scabies together?
Duuuude - Drag Queen Bingo wasn't supposed to end like thissss
Well... first you killed the girls goldfish, then you shoved her face in your armpit, made her cry, got kicked out, ate your cigarettes, and passed out in her driveway. Pretty successful night if you ask me
My vagina is not really on board with my "emotional issues"
Momentum is force x velocity. So therefore velocity is 0 - hammered, and force is ur legs locked up and ur face hits the ground.
I felt paralized they just wouldnt move. We need segways when were drunk cuz if we start to fall forward they well take off and save the fall.
I'm sorry about all of the innappropriate shoe throwing
We just fucked in the park on a bench and a guy with a dog walked past us and the dog walked right up to us while the guy stared at his phone.
We were having sex but then he spanked me and i punched him but it was just a reflex i swear
Is it sad that my idea of a quality foursome would involve one person eating me out while the other two rub my feet?
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