I woke up this morning with I hate myself feeling
you're putting all your eggs in a very hungover basket
Puked in a plastic neiman Marcus bag while driving. My biggest accomplishment yet
Just a heads up. Everytime I get arrested in Maine I claim I lost my ID and use your name.
At least I wasn't still dressed as a bottle of dom perignon when they took me to the ER
Just walked out of 7 11 still in uniform when 4 girls in bikinis in a convertable screamed "we fuck firefighters!"
Career choice validated
No other awkward car ride can beat the one you give your drug dealer home.
You stopped making out with some rando guy to tell him you weren't sure about your sexuality then proceeded to follow me down the street to make out with me
I'm going to write a new song and call it "Did I wax my vagina for this?" remind me to never go across the country for a penis ever again.
Bro.. I am absolutely going to have sex with our old middle school health teacher
I wanna trust fall face first on a penis.
I never thought I'd end up with a prison pen pal through tinder
I'm so high that a guy on TV just sneezed and I said "bless you."
I had to cum in my sink.
Omg worst high ever. I'm watching Parks and Rec, and all i can think about is how andy, leslie, and tom are my closest friends. Forever alone.
Randomize
