I am sleeping on the floor in your room so if you have sex in here just don't roll on me
I'm babysitting and we're watching Barney and I don't understand why Barney can magically make band hats appear but he makes them make shitty ass instruments.
Barney's a jerk
weed brownie and a latte, breakfast of champions
you made me have a moment of silence for the half of a sub sandwich that you dropped on the floor earlier
he passed out at 11 at a party. he deserved to be stripped down an duct taped to the floor
You should've come out last night, I need someone to explain why the bartender tried to strangle me...
Life lesson today, a six foot hot guy I meet at a party CANNOT fit on my bike with me.
All I remember is waking up with 3 penises pointed at my face. I also remember enjoying that a lot. And then I threw up in their shower.
I just used a baby fork as a roach clip. I am totally the cool aunt.
you guys just sat there and simultaneously smoked bowls staring at each other... it was like a bowl off or something.
We got to his house at 7am and two random guys were on the couch shot gunning beers saying we were late for the party
Nothing like putting a Percocet up your nose because you spent your night drinking heavily and can't drink water to make you heavily reconsider your life choices
I found myself looking up beard accounts while masturbating, I guess that's what it's come to.
So, i might have left my morals back in 2011.
Put the lady boner away. He's engaged. To my brother. No, life is not fair.
Randomize
