If they made snuggies with a sleeve for my morning wood, id consider buying one...
Too bad it's not "confirm, ignore or not unless I've had 20+ beers"
she's googling pictures of Freddy Mercury and whispering 'I'm ready'
SLUTTIEST. 4TH. EVER.
Saw a sign earlier "Domino's Lava Cakes $3.00" and I thought of you. This text brought to you by thing I don't need to know about your sex life.
I think the taxi driver just requested me on facebook..... his name was george right?
She gets me. First thing she said this morning "I'll buy breakfast if you can tell me my name."
You Just stopped dancing, looked at me and said "I'm gonna make it rain" Then shook the open box of crunch berries everywhere.
I've counted four places at work I need to get laid in. Come help me accomplish this.
Hey, I'm your guy
That's how pantless uber rides happen
I'm glad you found someone that both loves you and is cool doing coke off your tits. Proud of you.
Lol, maybe a little bit. I don't know. I don't keep a super keen memory log of dicks honestly.
Why don’t they have healthy alcohol yet?
Add tweezing eyebrows to the list of things not to do while on adderol....
I pointed at him and said “there goes mr fuckwad”
Randomize
