Do you realize we just stole 12 dollars worth of quarters each from the office petty cash just to get manicures? New high or New Low?
he just flicked a booger into my mouth and shouted "goaaaal!"
Last night I dreamed I was having gay sex in prison. That's the last time we go to theme night at the club.
can you call in chlamydia to work? like if the antibiotics they gave you for it are giving you the shits...
She's never going to forget it... Christmas Anal.
i'm going through an 80s music phase. and by phase i mean i will only have sex to white snake
I learned 3 things lastnight....1. Turkeys are related to the t-rex. 2. Whales have leg bones cause they used to walk. 3. I will sing drunk in the waffle house, but not during karaoke in the bar
Complete silence. Background Willy Wonka music. An empty back of Lay's BBQ chips. These are the ingredients for an extreme acid trip.
There should be an app that tazers me in my pocket when I'm spending too much money at the bar. Take a hint, Android Network. You slut.
We're not on Beacon Street anymore so now your argument about not peeing on the sidewalk holds no water. Whereas my bladder has holded every water.
Side note: the physics of a guy my size and age getting laid in the backseat of a Toyota Camry are absolutely staggering
I just puked in my courtyard and dripped toothpaste in my chest hair. You better be getting laid or this drunk is wasted.
It's like the drive of shame on fucking Christmas. Happy birthday Jesus
6 hours ago I jacked off a a guy for $100. I explained it away as "compensation" for gas and tolls. WHAT am I doing with my life? Quickest and easiest $100 I ever made though, haha
Any who, I expect to be showered with roses apon my arrival
How about beer and nachos?
A fine substitute!
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