Vanillla milkshakes are the new Gold Bond. Will explain later.
i woke up this morning to a slap on the ass and jake saying "you should let me put it in your ass now" i need out of this relationship.
for sure. did you let him do it?
thats not the point.
I wonder if I could sublet my bathtub to anyone.
So basically i got outta bed and started peeing on the a/c unit..when my roommate tried to stop me i looked at him and said "i got this"
He hit on a bridal shower w/ his hand on my tit the entire time. Gave his number to the mom.
If you're that baked in a class full of people that know you're that baked you tend to offer up a peace offering. Its like the burrito of trust! If eaten you are now obligated to help maintain my grades and keep me from falling out of my chair. $3.75 a morning is worth it for that mafia type protection!
It has become abundantly clear why you give me pixie stix when you're drunk now...
The venue for the new years party is close to the hospital for obvious reasons.
She was wearing my robin hood hat from Halloween shouting "steal from the rich and give to the poor, mothafuckaaaaas." We are taking her everywhere.
You carried me up the stairs after I told you not to. And what did you tell me? "Let me test my strengths."
My professor laid down on the floor and told us a story that involved being naked covered in Vaseline with a pumpkin on your head. No lie. This is going to be a great semester.
I folded my dollar bills into mustaches in preparation for our trip to the strip club
She's legally too young to drink and was making out with a guy who is ethically too old to drink.
Its so bad though\nOur relationship has gotten to the point where im posing nude with a swiffer
Just let me pee on you and I'll leave you alone.
Dude, I just turned down sexual favours because I need to study... What the fuck is wrong with me?
Randomize
