i may or may not have puked on your loofa in the shower.
Their flight hasn't even left yet and the 'buy food to keep yourself alive' budget is gone on tequila.
Dude a guy just showed up with alcohol and a bag of double cheese burgers. I think I found my future husband.
You think they'd ask my permission before turning Pajamarama into an orgy. I saw too many of my friends dicks at once the door got kicked down.
Also, new rule: You are no longer allowed to send me a text with the word "dildo" in it before 10am.
Who faxed a picture of their penis to the office printer?!
How did you make it to work sans hangover?
4 words: Clif Bar soaked in tequila. Just like albert pujols
Today, my boyfriend informed me that I look like my dad when I orgasm
Some daaay... Bet your bottom dollar that some daaay you'll do that mollyyyy
PAAAANTS ARE FOR AAAASSHOLES
I just puked in my courtyard and dripped toothpaste in my chest hair. You better be getting laid or this drunk is wasted.
I have a to do list for the summer and thing one is figuring out my sexual orientation
I mean I'm sad it didn't work out but tbh he he can't unlick my booty hole or unbreak his headboard... He won't forget my name ever
Waking up drunk is great, waking up drunk and hanging with your mom is even better.
You know how last week before we left I was drinking outta that blue cup and I left it sitting across the road. Well, it hadn't moved and my family just found it, brought it inside and cleaned it. I think this cup is my soulmate.
Randomize
