I don't think I can fit "I'm sorry for ruining Christmas" on one cake. Better make two.
I managed to convince my mom that my hickey was a birth mark I have always had. She cried for an hour about being a terrible mother for never noticing it.
ah, there's nothing like waking up to picture messages of a strange man's cock. life is good.
haha, that's fucked up. flacid cock pictures are the mental breakfast of champions.
We turned everything surrounding BP and the oil leak into a "that's what she said" drinking game. We've been drunk for a month
i'm about to say screw it and get drunk in the hotel by myself
It's 2 pm, at least sit by the pool...
I have no idea how I got home or why I am naked but I assume I owe you a thank you...
tonight were gonna drink champagne and watch girls put themselves in awkward position
Idk. I was speaking metaphorically. Go for it. As one of your bad decisions, I feel confident in saying you've done worse.
I look like shit btw. Like the joker from Batman.
I'm not sure how that's possible unless you put on face paint. Which I would respect.
Sorry I didn't answer your call last night, I was peeing on the driveway.
And the cops are back. At least my pants are on this time
if i don't get grease into my system pronto i will undoubtedly die
Pregnancy has ruined porn for me. I can't watch a hot chick get it on without being jealous of her perfectly waxed shit. I can't even see my shit.
This toilet bowl is my home.
If you had a good reason for throwing the toaster at the wall, now's a good time to tell someone. My parents are on their way back and you know my dad and his pop tarts.
Randomize
