Just bought lingerie with the intention of wearing it as a shirt. It's going to be that kind of weekend.
I knew it was gonna be weird when she opened the condom with scissors
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
my grandpa is going down the line on this prom picture, and telling me how big everyone's nipples are... he was spot on for me.
You don't have anything to lose--we've established that he's not going to murder you and he smells good.
I don't even fuck like that, he just happened to be in the right place at the right drunk.
Literally the only reason we didnt get arrested was because the cop said I reminded him of Steve Stifler from American Pie
Today is a shit your pants at work kinda day
Every FB picture she has looks like it's from the POV of the guy she's blowing
Can't be like "hey can you elaborate on this three year old tweet" can I?
You poured 151 in your eye, ran face first into a tree, fell down, then threw a lawn chair at the dog...all before passing out in the hallway and pissing yourself. There is no way to redeem yourself.
Dude \nSo embarrassed \nJust sent a snap to my boss john and noticed my vibrator was right beside me
All I'm wearing right now is a condom and a sock.
Just one?
Yup. One sock.
I'm just going to tell you this I knocked up your girlfriend. I didn't mean to I thought it was somebody else I wasn't drunk but it was dark.
The truth is better her than my wife.
please don't ironically join a cult
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