my mom just asked me what a queef is. she needs to stop watching south park
i hope whoever thought of bagged wine flip cup last night has the same hangover as me. not ok.
The smiley face on that pregnancy test is so damn taunting. It's like it's laughing at me for my poor choices.
the higher we get, the more he looks like ray charles.
So the same day I accidentally bought waterproof mascara is the day I accidentally had shower sex. The world is finally on my side.
Seriously wondering if smoking a bowl for lunch was a bad idea.
OR THE BEST. STAY TUNED.
I woke up at 4 am to my roomate peeing all over my clean laundry. He thought he was in the bathroom and yelled at me for being in the bathroom with him while he was peeing.
I took her to the bar and boom. All of my past slump busters were there. Shes cool enough to know what that means and said she was afraid they'd eat her so we left.
but they dont look like handprints. looks like someone had a boxing match with my tits and my tits lost
They don't even know who I am but they just woke me up with maracas and invited my boobs to a kegger
Welp last night I made out with the guy who slices my deli meat at publix. I'm sure there's a joke there but I'm too hungover to find it. Go noles.
Too bad, iambic pentameter is a drunk specialty of mine.
I'm never going to adult. I'm staying a child. The only thing related to adult that I want to do is you.
Your life is quite full of dick lately.
It really is!
Tonights mission: get trashed, smoke a bowl on top of the silo, get some dick. Not necessarily in that order.
Randomize
