they're mlb prospects.. of course i'm gonna bang one of them.
So he told me he wanted to fertilize my caviar. Im avoiding all foreign exchange students from now on.
Jumped in the kebab van and said he was Ultimate MasterChef. Incurred wrath of six angry Turks. I got free chips.
Do Not. I repeat. DO NOT DRINK WHISKEY TO COPE. You will end up in jail. LEARN FROM THE PRO
You demanded I give you a glass of water, so I set it down in front of you and you knock it over and roll in it..,
I wanted to be a dolphin.
I wouldn't have puked last night if I didn't inhale straight pepper from you shattering the pepper shaker on the wall.
Found half of a five day old piece of pizza behind my dresser. Apparently it was drunkenly set there and got knocked down. It was such a happy reminder of last weekend.
I found a cheeseburger next to my tub once. It's there to shame you, but it always just makes me feel more awesome.
Ugh did we play golf last night and did you by chance hit my head with a club or a ball?
He would have to make magical things happen in my nether regions to actually make me vote republican.
She asked if I wanted to "Mormon Motorboat" her, which I guess is just motor-boating her through her cloths. Turns out I did.
With a few pieces of metal and duct tape and a bong was created
Date #3: He brought me a mason jar full of organic weed that he grew on his property. Will you be the witness when we sign our marriage license?
After we hooked up, his roommate shouted "I LIKE TO HAVE SEX TOO" from across the apartment
My booty call is in the theater watching Deadpool right now. Never though comics would work against me.
YOLO is a great motto until you end up with Chlamydia
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