this homeless guy just told me to make a wish on his magic plastic spoon but said to be careful what i wish for...
she told me i should dip my dick in chocolate and then let her blow me since it was her 2 favorite things. weird or my new valentine for this year?
I can't believe you're fucking in the bar bathroom, but everyone else can, and they're really proud.
My aunt totally just drunk dialed me when i was super stoned, it was so intense
It was ths the worst 15 minutes of my life. . . It was like fucking a warm stick of butter.
At least he's enough of a gentleman to not make me do the walk of shame dressed as Santa.
I was so high I told him we should rub faces and pretend to be wombats. He was surprisingly enthusiastic about it.
There is no amount of alcohol that can make me forget I had a Jimmy Kimmel sex dream
Dude, it's not gay. It's winter.
Send me another check for the tickets. I scratched out "anal wax" and now the bank won't take it.
I woke up the other day with my Google browser open to "DIY lip injections"... I also just received a vial of hyaluronic acid and a package of TB syringes from amazon. I'm down.
I will have no part of this.
I had to rename my dildo. I met a little kid who named his teddy bear the same name. It just felt wrong.
If we hadn't just agreed to no commitment, i'd totally propose right now. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
we just got sex advice from a midget. You better fucking get here.
Threw up on break at work. That brings our collective tally to 9 times. We can never drink like that on a monday again
Randomize
