Her parents hate her and she's on like major lockdown. All her friends are in jail and she has massive pit stains. Dude... It doesn't get much worse than that.
My life is like a Sweet Valley High book but with lots of alcohol.
I bought the love spell lotion from victoria secret so it atleast smells like a girl is present while I'm masturbating
I think misery doesn't even think of me as company anymore. I'm an unofficial roommate.
I save people's lives for a living, but I want to ruin his marriage.
i didnt have any regrets until i found out he was a freshman.... and the only reason he got into yale was because of soccer... and he wasnt premed.
It would be like a dance party with a dick inside you. I think that's what Ke$ha wants for the world.
I mean, I love her. But not "I'll have a threesome with her." Type of love.
For every drunk face picture you send me, I'm gonna send a wholesome family photo.
I want you to read this conversation tomorrow and be proud of the fact that you taught me how to decipher any drunk message. Good job.
Don't mind me. My boyfriend is carrying me because I'm broken not because I'm drunk.
It's not even 9:30 yet..
I mean I'm so obviously classy currently laying in bed watching a movie while finishing my drink from last night
I hope you get your threesome on vday. I'll probably get flowers and a candlelit dinner. trade you. I wish this guy was more of a slut and had less of a heart. I would like 2 dicks please fuck your flowers!
He brought me Plan B in the snowstorm.
A+ 👏🏼
Whoever was the bastard/bitch/genius who duct taped my keys to my dick so I wouldn't lose them. I hate you.
Randomize
