Mom just texted me to see if it was you who was streaking at the Mariner game... Did you accept yet another $1 bet?
There is a contact in my phone named "Bar Mcntysu." this is why we need a third person to go out with us.
We're not in high school anymore. I'm not going to pretend to be impressed as he butchers my favorite songs on his guitar. I just wanted to get laid.
When he goes down on me, he stares me in the eyes like a shark mocking it's prey as it devours it. Plus, his beard smells like dirty gym socks. This has got to end.
Uh yeah. I ate a brick of cheese. Didn't even cut it. We were admiring the teeth marks I was leaving. We decided it was the negative of my mouth
Yeah I said my new jacket was waterproof, not puke through your nose proof.
You told me if you could get your shoes on, you deserved a coke and rum. We never made it to the party.
It's a fucking menopause festival down here at the strike zone
The salesman at the smoke shop just told me my hair is glorious...
She's started this new thing where whenever she drives by random couples talking alone outside she yells "break up! this is your sign!"
I just went to add a song I had never heard before to my "high as fuck" playlist and it was already there.
You just kept mumbling about the carpet being covered in stains that looked like the face of God. Until you decided that they were closer in relation to Dumbledore.
God does not give you boobs that amazing to not share them with your friends
LACE UP YOUR GODDAMN SHOES
N O
If you fucking touch my phone and text people, drunk or sober, ever again, i will shove a swizle stick up your pee hole.
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