I fell asleep on the toilet again last night...
I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
know what turns me on? long, stringy hair on a pasty looking girl with an overstuffed backpack and kneepads over her jeans in case she falls off her scooter
your less of a man for seeing that
I am swimming in semen. He must have been holding it in for a special occasion.
Soo I have a handle of 100 proof captain, cupcakes, and nothing to get up for in the morning.. This blizzard is shaping up to be a great night.
She celebrated a negative pregnancy test by going out to Quizno's. I really don't understand her at all.
Dude I think my special talent is falling in drunkenly falling in front of a cop and getting away. This is the second time.
I had this image of some guy in a taco truck down by the IMA accosting you for a peep show.
Just checked my voicemails on the work phone on speaker. Thank you so much for the one of you screaming "COME FUCK ME NOWWWW!" my boss loved it ..
I need a nap, Harry Potter movies, and dick in this exact order after work.
please remind me of this if i ever start out a night declaring my goal is to see how much american honey it takes for me to forget who i am again
Any man who can do squats while fucking you is a man worth keeping.
His favorite positions involve choking me out. I'm marrying him.
I don't want to just hook up with random dudes. I've had enough bad sex to know that it's not worth hooking up with strangers
It's not?
I miss the pre Covid days when we could meet men in bars. Hitting on guys in the grocery store is just depressing
Randomize
