My grandmother just explained bulimia to me as a diet
Apparently having him hold an open book in front of me while i'm blowing him doesn't count as studying...
remember to ask your mom about the name of her pet duck so we can name the bowl
Hey we need to step our game up. Dad has us beat; he stole a vending machine once.
This is what we do on Thursday nights. Spray tans, blunts and drawing pictures of cats.
I just got invited to party with a bunch of elderly lesbians I am in no position to offer life advice
Are you doing that thing where you're convinced I made a terrible decision
Daily.
I currently look like a drunken mermaid, god I love beach parties.
Apparently duct taping your dick to your buttcheks before the first time she goes down on you isn't as funny as projected. She cried because she thought I was a girl the whole time.
whatever bro. i had ice cream and whiskey for breakfast and its noon. this is the second worst christmas ever.
The bottle brush for the bong worked really well to clean the brownies out of the waffle maker.
i had a flashback to you roaring like a dying tiger and then throwing your wallet (maybe?) at the cat in the living room and saying "you're the only adult that lives here take all my money"
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. She asked how my day was going and it got hard.
All my friends are going on vacations with their boyfriends while I’m over here in court trying to get a restraining order against my ex....
I knew how blacked out you were when you started doing that thing where you dance around and call yourself the Black Swan.
Randomize
