I'm saving my limes so I'll know how many drinks I've had.
I do the same thing, but I use ice cubes.
I don't think I own any pants that haven't seen his bedroom floor anymore...
Close your eyes and stop texting and think about puppies. You'll be fine.
I just took my birth control on the way to class with a 1/2 melted jello shot I happened to find in my purse from Friday night. I told you I was going hard this year.
I still love him regardless of his misguided forays into heterosexuality
Im calling him
was mistake calling. If you drunk dial someone you deserve to choke on a tubesock. Take the advice. Always remember
His phone pocket dialed me while he was crapping. He was quietly singing stayin alive and possibly passing his intestines.
Drunkness level: fluent in olde norse
Like I just asked Greg why I don't have a crown for my vagina. That drunk.
Dougie got over his pride nerves. Found him dancing on a float wearing nothing but rainbow boxers.
It was the needle in the haystack of teary, unpleasant handjobs.
He said that he had extra crunchy taquitos and wanted to go down on me.. I mean how could I say no?
OMFG I JUST SEARCHED DILDO ON THE WORK SHARED AMAZON ACCOUNT!!!!!
Dude you where on that lil kids bike at 2 am ridin down the turning lane wearing only socks and a helmet singing born to be wild, no you weren't that fucked up
Sorry for not calling you back. I got drunk and passed out on the kitchen floor. I just found my phone in the shower.
Randomize
