Skip Greektown and come to Geektown. I just want to cuddle.
my vagina is like the nba. its where amazing happens.
Buying $100 worth of beef jerkey sounded like a terrific idea last night.
We were making out when she went into convulsions. At least now I know she's allergic to peanuts.
The to do list extremely baked self wrote for me last night says "1. Join gym 2. Passport? 3. Join a gym" And then just a drawing of a squid
I'm all about sex. But even I know there will be a time to retire my junk. And that will be my 40th birthday, or whenever I'm hideous
Do you think making a dress out of an "Open" flag that my friend stole from a bar, and wearing it out sends the wrong message? ....Or exactly the right message?
Come over. I'll eat you out and we'll make bacon.
best text I've received ever.
My hands always smell like pizza crust when im hungover.
Well he fell three stories from the balcony and still had the strength to fuck me for 2 hours.
Sorry bud. Having a shitty day because the GF broke up with my wife and I. We really liked her too
Had to sacrifice my vibrator batteries to the thermostat gods. I had a dirty dream and also almost a heat stroke.
World Cup Drinking Game: Take a shot every time they call a foul for something we don't understand. Gotta risk it to get the biscuit.
Girl. There is no more toilet paper. You should have seen the twerking I just did to shake the pee off.
He’s going to a lawnmower race. I got a Brazilian and he’s racing a lawnmower race. Pick me up. I’m not wasting this waxing on John Deer
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