yeah but it's new years. they should arrest people for being sober that day.
I have two stamps on my hand....ones from the bar and one is from an aquarium...care to explain?
don't forget friday is see who can get the most free drinks at the gay bar contest. winner gets $50
Dude you have to come get or im gonna nail this 64 y/o woman as repayment for buying me shots of jager
I feel bad for the cleaning lady. All you can smell is latex and Jaegermeister
I think I should just accept my destiny that I'm going to be someone's second wife
My tits sealed my fate
I HAVEN'T FUCKED ANYONE IN FOREVER AND A HALF I DON'T DESERVE TO BE A TRASHY BLONDE
For real, I've been ditched by my boyfriend twice today alone. I fucking shaved for this guy.
Somewhere out there, Gloria Steinem just started to cry.
Hey! I need booze. And penises. And a lot of mistakes that I will regret in the morning.
My brother and I have had one conversation in the past like 3 weeks and it was about what it would be like as a sentient butt plug
Currently rolling a blunt in the bathroom of Planned Parenthood
i opened the door and you were passed out on my doorstep wearing ugly shorts and cuddling a pinnapple, i dont know what happened to you.
We moved the bed and she found my vibrator. The entire ride home was a montage of her singing "Are You Lonesome Tonight"
You really need to stop getting injured so often it's really starting to negatively impact my sex life. Oh and get well soon. . . no seriously though hurry the fuck up.
I need weed and if he's hot, maybe he can supply me with sex too.
Randomize
