Baby momma caught me doing baby daddy in reverse cowgirl. She kicked me out and i have no clothes, come get me.
I hope you walked the shit out of that shame.
I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
Grow some girl-balls and come out already
I wasn't fucked. I was just drunk, because i was still able to walk into the woods and masterbate.
When i walked in, you were in bed with a hot chick rolled up in a green blanket and said you were acting like a caterpillar..
Today's face brought to you by last night's make-up.
Its funny that for once I get home and I'm just as high as my parents are.
WHY IS FOOD SO DELICIOUS
BECAUSE SCIENCE
I'm sorry I came to your house drunk and fed pizza to your dog.
True love: he brought me a margarita while was in the shower. He's a keeper.
thanks again for a nice night (and please don't fuck my boss)
Awwww breaks my heart, I just wanna fix his teeth and give him a blowjob.
The cat is stealing cigarettes and my vagina cures blindness. How's your night?
My toothbrush tastes like captain morgan
I'm jealous
I know you would never do it--but if I ever walk into your house and find a "live love laugh" ANYTHING, I will commit you to an asylum. If it is a vinyl decal adhered to the wall, I will just smother you myself.
Randomize
