this is the second time this summer that a girl has called me a ken dol
you shouldn't let them see you without your pants on
Just drove past a church with a sign near it that said, "God wants to be your daddy."
1. No more tequila 2. Why do you let me say slutty things? 3. I woke up and our apartment was covered in cake? 4. Love you
hey, this is the drunk ass freshman from last night. thanks alot for helping me out last night, i'd probably be on some lawn if it wasn't for you guys! and my mom says thanks for talking to her
Unless you can cure my hangover with your penis I'm not interested.
You just squeezed a person out of you and I'm drunks at 2PM. Our lives got traded and you know it and you're jealous.
I have a big to do list for you. Number 1 - me. Number 2 - drink wine 3. Talk my ears off. 4. Me again
I just set a reminder on my phone to get star spangled hammered this weekend.
She fell off the bed and giggled until she passed out naked. It was really weird.
Probably not gonna date her.
So apparently, after 11 beers, 2 pitchers of sangria and 3 rhum & cokes, the idea of popping a load of MD and jumping on the trampoline, in the woods, in my underwear was the best one ever.
So the girl I met at the bar last night came home with me. Played with my puppy. And left.
Remind me to tell you about how I hit a tree with my car last night.
I'll be glad to.
So I figured out why that guy from Tinder stopped messaging me back. He got married.
You spent the entire night trying to catch pigeons and hugged a homeless guy and then gave him a pregnancy test.
OMG OMG OMG I just throwed up in his pillow case when he wentto start the sho wer, time to grab my bra and bounce!!!
Wow.
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