Her tattoo has the intellectual profundity of snakes on a plane except you can't laugh.
Ways to know you did something wrong: you sugar-coated it for your therapist.
The way I see it, if i don't fail the midterm and blow off some of the projects, how else am I going to get motivated to study for the final ?
Hookers taste better with whip cream
Maybe we ought to get some pennicillin too
Fair enough
It'll be like the burning bush except without moses and with pubes.
She gave me head because I gave her my pack of cigarettes...And you said quitting would be hard.
God I feel like the rain man of hangovers.
Do you ever wonder what the men who we shamelessly objectify would think if they saw our texts in regard to them?
The 3 year old I'm babysitting is the first guy to tell me he loves me sober in like 2 years
I woke up in a bath tub and my face was sore and it wasn't because of you, I was impressed
You humped everything and cried in an uber.
"He didn't answer my snap so I know he's arrested"
Apparently today is power bottom appreciation day
Just puked in front of a high school tour group. Based on the standing ovation, we have a solid group of freshman coming in this fall.
It's obvious you're hotter. You've been doing a married guy for almost 2 years.
Randomize
