I'm gonna get wrecked tn I might have to keep my phone at home cause I'm sure ill send you really weird txts
So she comes up to me at the end of the night and asks me if I going to take her home and fuck her. I pretty much had to right?
you had an obligation.
He's sobering up. It was really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together.
I'll report later on the progress of the mountain orgy
Do you think she will like "you don't have to swallow this time" gift certificates for Xmas?
I just want a guy that likes cats and is willing to get a vasectomy. IS THAT SO MUCH TO ASK?!
There is no amount of alcohol that can make me forget I had a Jimmy Kimmel sex dream
It's gonna be ok. As we grow older we sometimes lose sight of what's important to us. Like safe sex. And standards.
The more I drank he just got hotter and hotter. And then the mustache didn't look too bad
You're like my little fucked up version of the groundhog seeing its shadow, only it's boobs and warm weather.
Only the sound of Friends and my gulping of wine are masking the sounds of my roommate getting laid
My brother is chasing tequila with vodka. Not sure how it will turn out, but I like his style.
From the bottom of my heart, thanks for never sending me unsolicited dick picks.
Well, I got drunk and told my family about what I expected sexually after a good first date.
I did a line of coke with my ex tonight. Talk about memories
Randomize
