I don't think my ego could take a straight man out-cooking me.
Topless wife handwashing shirt. Tonight marriage is good.
HAH. HARRY POTTER CASUAL CONVO HAS BEEN EXTENDED TO DISCUSSING WEATHER. SO PRO
I need to figure out what I wanna do with my life.
There are margaritas in the freezer still.
I should take him calling me "a freak of nature" after sex as a compliment, right??
Lost my credit card. M has a bottle of blood in her pocket from a hobo.
What's grosser: using a dirty sex towel as an oven mitt? or using the oven to reheat superbowl bean dip for dinner?
I just tried to text you by typing "whoa" into my contacts.
I'm sitting at work trying to dust glitter off my pants. I can't hang out with her anymore.
I just woke up from quarter beer tuesdays wearing 3 pairs of underwear, none of which are the ones I left wearing...2 Around my waist and one around my shoulder in an attempt at a bra. At least drunk me tries to be decent?
I think I just wanna go buy some jack at the liquor store, come home, take my pants off, and not give a shit about stuff
I had an epiphany. If a dude dressed up as Batman to ask me out, I'd prolly marry him.
I farted in his bed and then in my drunken stupor grabbed hair defanging spray to cover up the stench.
she was concerned about my dick piercings.
I accidentally just texted my dad asking if he wants to do shrooms with me. Do I leave the city now or...
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