i actually looked down at my cock today and said "whoa buddy, you need a haircut....(grimace) and a shower"
oh great. the only prospects for sex left for the night are douchebag in the ed hardy shirt & frodo-looking ass
fuck it... i'll be the lord of his rings
I'm getting drunk watching the disney channel. Is this a main reason why we aren't together anymore?
Completly hung over at midnight, I knew there was a downside to drinking at 2pm
she's just sitting here eating cilantro out of my herb garden and watching some show about ducks on tv and laughing, what the fuck did you give her?
Bitch looked at my dick and said "I thought they called you horsecock, I'm already disappointed"
I told you that line would get her home never said it was a good idea
The to do list extremely baked self wrote for me last night says "1. Join gym 2. Passport? 3. Join a gym" And then just a drawing of a squid
Was behind a guy going 20 for 4 miles I'll be there as soon as the universe quits fucking me
Amazon.com "suggested" I buy both nipple clamps and opera gloves.
YOU DESERVE A GUY WITH A NORMAL DICK DONT SETTLE FOR ANYTHING LESS
Don't worry you weren't as drunk as you thought. You only fell 4 times.
Nothing says "i love you" more than flowers and potatoes
He has no idea I'm scrolling through Instagram while he's going down on me. I'm so bored.
I remember turning to Jon after doing a line of coke and saying "I was a Girl Scout"
What you have to understand is that our lives aren't a disappointment so much as they crashed and burned with lethal doses of radiation and dog shit.
Randomize
