your all-time low pick up line was when you asked a girl "Are you rock-staring at me?"
He told me to fart on his lap because the vibrations turned him on
Just because i have a masturbation problem doesnt mean you can put 20 photos of Jesus in my room.
Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
This soccer player girl is eating this banana WAY to slow. Too early for penis shaped foods.
my dad just said 'either you're lying about your plans tonight or you kids are really lame nowadays'. maybe we should nix the singles saturday slumber party and go to a bar.
You texted the wrong number but that's probably the best call you'll ever make.
He got 20 stiches.. Who knew so much damage could come from a single shopping cart.
Ive consumed more rum studying for law school finals than I did that time I fucked that fat chick in the back of VW Beetle. It's all ugly, but for different reasons.
So I commented on one of his pictures "who do I have to give a full effort blow job to, to get the Ides of March movie poster behind you" he responded with a number that wasn't his. I still texted it. I love that movie.�
THERE ARE SO MANY ALCOHOLS IN MY BLOOD RIGHT NOW
How the fuck did I get back? Last thing I remember is being on some hot guy's shoulders yelling at girls shaking their asses
We'll talk about it later...
and the oscar for 'most creative swearing' goes to you for 'jesus's bloody fucksticks'
I know they deliver ice cream, but do you think I can ask the delivery guy to watch the rest of the movie with me too?
I just drunkenly signed my mortgage application...
Is this how the global financial crisis happened?
I just had drunken sex with an eagle scout behind the boy scouts of america building. what has my life come to?!
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