Tell her she's as useless as a condom.
Exactly. wat kind of friend would i be if i even pretended to give a shit about ur problems
He was banging holes in the kitchen wall with pots. They tried to pull him away but only managed to pants him. He kept "drumming".
His fuck buddy just got fake tits and wants him to 'come break them in.' I need his life.
And by "hammer out the details" you know I mean spending 20 minutes on wedding plans then getting wine drunk, right?
So the keyword here is "hammered"?
She sneezed like 10 times, put her head down on the table and then laid down on their couch and fell asleep. In the middle of the dominoes game. I'll never understand why my dad continues to provide my mom wine.
I sent you a snap of me in the bath, and you sent me a snap of a taco. An actual taco.
Woke up with an e-cig stuck in my asshole. Explain.
I spent three hours in the ER last night to figure out that my friend just had to take a shit
I appreciate the I'll come bail you out of jail tone in the text
I haven't had a bra on since I quit my job.
Omg i got really stoned and used a makeup app on my grandma...well, I’m definitely not adopted
The creeper at the bar just realized we have the same birthday and bought me four beers already. He walked off so I took his change and dashed, i'm bringing the case over now.
Hungover at Subway, watching a business guy try to squeeze his way past my car to get into his. Bitch shouldn'ta parked over the line.
You truly are a temple of morality.
I am the night, I am justice, I am currently watching the fat biz guy pay a frat boy to back his car up for him so he can get in.
He ate me out on the front lawn of the post office. The people in the office across the road definitely got a show!
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