i havent thrown up in four monthes, im clearly not drinking enough
just convinced brandon semen are bugs that crawl in your pants and make gooey juice. now hes convinced he has them lmao
He was banging holes in the kitchen wall with pots. They tried to pull him away but only managed to pants him. He kept "drumming".
my bowl and the doses are under your mom's passenger seat
repeat: THERE IS LSD AND THC IN YOUR MOM'S CAR. HELP ME HELP US AVOID FELONIES
Just because im a good person doesn't mean that I don't reserve the right to be a complete dick about it.
Note to self: don't tell your girlfriends dad you can have his daughter in bed by ten and home by midnight. He doesnt find it funny
I'm not driving across town for three thrusts and an excuse
We are magical, pot smoking, smart as hell, single as fuck, woodland dolphins.
Aren't you proud to know somebody who texts you "manifold facade" while dumping frozen colada mix into a blender of rum
He showed up to a baby shower and kept telling everyone he was late because he was pregaming. And then tried honking the pregnant girls tits
Like I would feel weird too if you just cancelled our wedding, cut off all your hair and started twerking everywhere
He came inside and met my grandmother after we had sex in the driveway. I love that he has a van.
You were making out w/ur brothers coach against a door when someone opened it and you both fell through... Then you continued to make out on the ground
He said 'I really struggle with the sin of lust' then we proceeded to have sex. So I guess it was a perfectly executed Catholic pick up line?
About that photo of the cake you just sent. You do realize it’s on a glass table, right? We can all see your reflection in it, and you’re very obviously naked.
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