Swine flu. Run for my life!
I wish they made portable blow up dolls for girls.
It's called a dildo, genius. Go to sleep.
he used a semicolon in his bootycall text, of course he's not gonna go down on me.
You know you hit rock bottom when you make out with a guy named after a cereal.
How much time is enough between masturbating and watching little bear?
I dunno... But she calls vodka "dancing juice"
The fool I made of myself at the Ugly Christmas Sweater party last night was surpassed this morning when I walk of shamed 6 miles at 7am with one mysterious wet leg and no pants on. I think my mom saw me and waved.
Hey man. We haven't met but my name is Ben. I threw up a bunch at your house last night. I heard you smoke though so I'll smoke you out anytime.
All I really remember is shouting "THANKS FOR LETTING ME MAKE OUT WITH YOUR GIRLFRIEND."
What can I say? You have this amazing power over straight girls.
Just saw identical twins riding scooters. Today is not real who the hell rides a scooter anymore
Pizza rolls are incredible. They are like sex, except I have them sometimes
Moral of the story - don't craft naked. Your nipples with thank me.
He asked if we were going to take advantage of his drunken state. When we said no he tired to show us what we were missing out on. It was so sad it almost made him cute.
I'm gonna go parent style on your ass... I don't ask much from you but if you could please just come get shitfaced with me I would really appreciate it
Does fucking him in the back of the car with the sun roof retracted count as star gazing?
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