the star wars geek is hitting on me, and is talking about his lightsaber. need back up NOW
And no, shaving doesn't make it look bigger, either
So I just googled the ten commandments... Were fucked.
if we break up, who will get the dealer?
She makes me want to have breakfast margaritas every day
chinese tourists just took a picture of me....im pretty sure i heard the bus drive say something about shame.
Wow, haven't had to deal with the 'stoned at the dinner table' scenario in a while
If I started a story with "That three-year-old totally deserved it," would you listen?
I came so hard that my back seriously popped like 5 times.
That was a $3000 rug we rolled him down the hill in.
do you find it slutty that the last person I had sex with is also the person who sings my ringtone ?
He is eating chips off the floor in the emergency room..
She sat next to me on the couch and said "word going around is you got a sweet cock". My nickname problem was solved!
Seriously considering modifying my computer case so it can dispense wine. I need to make a bunch of changes and reorganize it's guts anyway....
Fuck. I think I can already feel tomorrow's hangover. It's like future me cane back to warn present me about the impending doom but didn't turn the time dial back far enough.
Randomize
