Four minutes until I can fart!
After a valiant attempt at golf, I think it's time for Tiger to go back to doing what he does best- having sex w/ blond, white women.
I made mike pull over so I could lay in the grass. He made me get up cuz I looked dead and people were passing. It was like 6:30am.
I tried to convince the Lobo Card people to take my pic with my sunglasses on because I will probably always be this hungover.
You're in the clear; you and Andrew did not joint fingerbang that girl on the dance floor last night.
You don't want any of I have. Seriously. Its 80 proof rum that was 8 bucks for a liter. I'm afraid
I'm sure your liver is writing out a will as we speak
I'm in that weird half-dead, half fucked-simultaneously-in-every-orifice-by-a-bus-and-it-wasn't-a-good-time state.
What kind of scumbag goes to a baby's 1st birthday party with a black eye? This kind. Me. I'm disgraceful.
almost just sent your mom a dick pic. almost.
I need to buy fuckboy repellant for whenever I think it's a good idea to meet boys I found in tinder
She kept giving the uber driving directions and we all thought they were wrong so we'd send him the other way. Turns out she wasn't guiding us home, but to the half gallon that she hid in the bushes on the way to the bar.
It's the Ides of March, motherfucker. That means we're supposed to daydrink, right?
Don't try to butter me sideways
That is without a doubt the most Southern thing you have ever said.
Guuuuurrrrrl! He ate the 🌮like it contained the Covid-19 vaccine!
I don’t know what language he speaks but I know my boobs will translate just fine
I’m looking forward to few days of international relations
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