allegedly i woke up at 5am sat in the dishwasher and peed
How drunk are you??
I'm flawless.
THERE ARE SO MANY GREAT DICKS IN THE WORLD. HOW DID I NOT DISCOVER THIS SOONER!?
buying new sheets for when my mom visits. I can't in good conscious let her use the ones from last night
My three rules on what I'm wearing tonight. Something short, something see through, and something i had sex in.
I can't believe they didnt cut us off after we all hugged each other and started singing "were the 3 best friends that anybody could have" RIGHT IN FRONT of the bar and bartender...
i was mezmorized. she was the most beautiful girl that looked like a boy i ever seen
I had to have the guy I went out with last night come pick me up from the hotel the next morning after I ditched him for a firefighter..don't even talk to me about a walk of shame
If we can't get laid at a bar crawl, we should just quit life.
I just had a mental image of us riding a tractor through hell with one of those big guns mounted on top of it shooting at everyone while the indiana jones music plays.
I feel like every young boy's first wet dream is too have sex with the Pink Ranger. I am now fulfilling that dream for one man. I am a hero.
Apparently my thong was thrown in the cornfield last night. No one will tell me why.
Write this down so you can tell me in the morning. "That bartender needs to be in my mouth."
And thank god for autocorrect cuz I can't even think in English let alone spell in it right now.
If you wanna fuck the pudding, fuck the pudding. Just not the chocolate, Im gonna eat that.
Randomize
