our cab driver is having phone sex.
I took chris brown's side in the conversation ... cut to me not getting laid tonight
She got stuck in the front door. She never told me how or why.
I take your lack of response to mean that your hands are taped to 40 ounces of something.
Who the fuck was that guy he kept pulling his dick out walking up to people trying to hand it to people and saying go ahead open the door like it was a door knob
Since he's sober and out of jail, he acts like we are the worst people on Earth. Fuck him, the only acceptable time in life to do coke is the early twenties. He won't take that from us.
I asked him how his night was and he sent me a picture of a bottle of Ciroc with a bendy straw...
What's great about college is that i can eat chocolate cereal for every meal and call it a money saving technique.
Wors thing about having a cop dad: random drug testing
After owing so much in back child support they should make vasectomy a mandatory
I can't remember if I puked before or after the shots of absinthe. Or why I thought shots of absinthe was a good idea.
I fell asleep with a half eating burrito in my hand and woke up to cat vomit with burrito in it.
I gave up great shower sex to be here so don't say I never did anything for our friendship.
my dad walked in on me peeing into the trashcan in our kitchen last night at like 2am. wtf
I need to find a divorced guy with a boat and let my tits do the talking
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