Mom and Dad are dead. Trust fund
i met a boy and i'm in lovvvvveeeeeeee and we're going to vegas and getting marrrrrriiiieeeeedddddd!
let's be honest with each other here, that's about the worst idea you've ever had. you need to walk this one off.
You just kept yelling "SATAN!" at me every time I walked by
Got 6 blowjobs in one weekend... new personal best.
Dude she has a fucking rock collection. Never will I ever talk to her again.
is it bad that listening to the rabbi's wife talk about how we should only be with one person is making me really, really horny for no string attached sex
she was in the bathroom washing her eye makeup off with hand sanitizer.
I woke up to my dog puking on my bed. Looks like it was a successful night for us all.
If you invite me to a bar tonight my liver will kick you in the testicles
Question: should I be considering heels or is this the kind of night where I should plan on falling on my face regardless of my choice of footwear?
Winning the lottery was the best thing that ever happened to my penis.
Greatest pickup line ever: "We are out celebrating winning the lottery."
watched my neighbor eat five yodels, mow his lawn, and then cry on his porch after the party... what did you give him?
6 pack came off in the shower. Sharpie is not forever.
I remember us getting kicked out of the bar, but neither of us know why. We woke up next to chicken bones on a plate with spoons, and my car has mud all over it including places where feet shouldn't be, like the speakers on the car door.
I'm currently watching porn and playing beer pong with wine in the lobby of a hotel with a squadron of hot airforce guys. You can never say your life is better than mine again
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