So, we're in the car ready to fuck and she asks about my ex. I wave at my lap and say, "bye". She asks what I'm doing. I say, "waving goodbye to my erection"
Let's perk you up. I have a good PG joke and a picture of my penis while urinating. You pick.
70 feet underwater and I sharted my wetsuit, Tide pen won't clean this up.
Just saw a bouncer shoot a stripper with a squirt gun. He looked at me n said,"gotta keep em in check." I'm in love with this place
I love you and want you to know that you're the best friend ever and me lassoing you with a seatbelt was out of sheer affection.
we agreed that it was acceptable to get the cat high as long as we gave her a lot of food.
They are currently going door-to-door asking the neighbors to donate money for Cheez-Its and gift wrap. They asked me to stay back at the house to make another pitcher of margaritas.
PSA: Morning booty calls are no longer accepted after the hours of 6am when I've been drinking or before 11am when I have not. Your cooperation is appreciated.
I let a naked juice spill down my leg for like 30 minutes bc i thought i was hallucinating that my leg was cold.
The same guy who pierced my nipples just told me he can help tutor me in precalc.
GO AHEAD, BITCH, GLARE AT MY WAFFLE ONE MORE TIME. I WILL FUCK YOU UP.
It's a little sad/awesome that I scored coke within 60 seconds of walking in the bar.
The student becomes the teacher.
bitch i am allowed to be rude i just fought cold hard porcelain with my face
I should've known a straight guy wouldn't know all the words to Moana
Just got my second shot
Baller. We’re going to be knee deep in strippers and coke in 10 days
Randomize
