Last night I walked out of the bar got in a cab asked the cabi to circle the block. he did and brought me right back to the bar. I paid him $7 thanked him and walked back into the bar.
You're just mad at the fact that I want to be a car alarm.
did you know that if you have sex in the elevator on the way up that people can still get in?
he was grinding on you and dedicated the song "I'm in Love With a Stripper" to you then started taking his own clothes off
Hi Jessica this is Jessica and I am texting you and were taking lime shots and it's fantastic and I broke your elbow and I love you xo
It was a group decision to take your pants off. Took a solid 10 minutes. No more skinny jeans while drinking.
I know everybody has skeletons in their closet but why are all of mine so slutty?
Fucking someone because they own a lava lamp is like fucking someone because they have 20 dollars and no concern for their house burning down.
I think I ripped my underwear last night doing drunk squats
I just found a contact in my phone named "Sam 'it Won't Fit' Wilson". No clue when or where it came from....
My husband just came over to kiss me and said, "careful, I got a block of cream cheese in my pocket"
Hey I'm at the gym and I need your personal trainer help. Also can you send me that picture of me eating a sausage. I want to post it on instgram.
My boss asked me what was wrong today and I really wanted to tell her I woke up too late to smoke a bowl before coming in
Let me guess you did your hair instead? Has anyone told you about priorities?
First day of school is awesome. I get to meet my students and figure out which of their mothers I’ I’m going to bang
i shit you not. the flight is delayed because they have to change fucking light bulb. all the airport bars are closed and my shit is in checked luggage.
Randomize
