I just passed one of the bars and saw my mom kissing another woman. This can't be good....right?
Knowing your life, probably not.
For some reason, my father is not responding to the 5 texts I sent him that all read: "Dad dad dad dad dad dddaadd dddddaaaaaaaaad dad".
Breaking personal boundaries is my trademark
I have more bruises, scratches, and overall soreness from my birthday weekend than my car accident.
Just took 11th shot of tequila. I may puke in my bear head.
New rule. No seeing movies about plane crashes after killer bong rips
Just broke my collar bone. May not make it to the party.
His grandma held his dogs so they wouldn't follow me out the door. It was like a whole new level added to my walk of shame.
He's holding a pee stick. Yes it's weird.
SHE BROUGHT HER PARROT TO THE PARTY. IT SQUAWKS EVERY TIME SOMEONE VOMITS LIKE 'PARTY FOUL SQUAWKKKKKK'
I don't know how guys can take themselves seriously when they see themselves naked
Also my roomates are going to be gone till sunday. Make correct decision here
Quit calling your parents your roomates
Also I literally googled "how to fold socks" so that's how my day is going. How's yours?
NOT PREGNANT HIGH FIVE!
This is my life. Currently ordering a gift for my straight married girlfriend's husband from my lesbian married girlfriend.
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