did you know you can prarie-dog a fart??
I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
craigslist faux pas number 857, just got head in a disability bus.
He kept saying that the puke outside the theater wasn't his and it was all a set up to keep him from partying with the whores. Then he passed out on the sidewalk.
Just saw ur booking photo. Love that u were already wearing orange. Its like u knew
What is the protocol for an "i'm sorry I had my ex retrieve me from the bar so I didn't drive drunk" blow job
There's sex hanging in the air like a pinata. European people are no joke.
I just realized I consumed seven different types of alcohol this weekend. And I'm only counting jungle juice as one of those. How the fuck did I not die?
I'm afraid I might run into that fat chick that sucked on me in the hospital parking lot while her friend cried in the car next to us, but I may be willing to take that chance.
On the way home there was a guy passed out IN the road on Colfax with his pants around his ankles, completely bare assed. If he was dressed as a speed bump, he succeeded.
Just in case the world ends tomorrow, I have an emergency contact group of booty calls I can send a quick "let's fuck" to before I die.
When Ben was deep throating pickles last night I actually reconsidered our relationship
good news, i've got tacos. bad news, kevin's in the ER. more good news, the tacos were free.
He stopped eating me out to remind me to look at the stars
its liver damage thursday
Randomize
