I am going to invent a chocolate mix for sperm.
Just got a orange juice for my grandma, put gin in it without thinking. She's having a good morning.
I don't give a shit about soccer but I'm really excited about drinking at 7 in the morning
Just paid my credit card bill at the bar. This phone makes it so I never have to leave
My hickies are dark enough that I can feel drivers judging me from across an intersection
I suppose I should wish you a happy one year of bumping uglies
So looks like I applied to adopt a dog last night. I'm completely ok with this
Well, we could've been at the bar taking a shot everytime my rash spread. But Noooooo. You had to go out with your non- girlfriend. Lame.
I mean, the night I fell out of that bus I made you pour vodka onto my wound to clean it, then duct taped a paper towel to my hand and kept drinking.
How do you tell a woman that you are seeing that the scars on your back are from her awesome-in-bed little sister?
We have a great relationship based on communication, sex, and mutual loathing.
Not to make this awkward, but if we ever have sex (perhaps drunkenly), all i'm gonna be able to think about is how sexy our kids would be.
Um..... I have taste. The only thing I am going to bedazzle is my vagina.
I think I left my bra and my crocs in your room
That's the 3rd negative pregnancy test this month. I'm on a roll.
Randomize
