i want to be waterboarded, just to see what all the fuss is about
just to let you know, don't open your linen closet for a while until i come over with a cleaning kit and geek squad
I started drinking at 10.30am. Ive got a solid buzz, ive decided holidays are to be treated like gamedays
what am i going to do when LOST is over? What am i going to get high to?
I fed the cats at 7 am, made her eggs, gave her oral, and now I'm helping her clean and baking her brownies. Cosmos got nothing on me.
College students should never be allowed to have snow days. Never.
What is a reasonable amount of condoms to keep in my condom wallet without it being creepy that I have too many?
Okay good. I don't want another mom thinking I got their daughter pregnant.
You were throwing up and said, "Whipe my face, I must look presentable at all times."
They're not that bad of drunks, they come back to the vehicle with more stuff than they went in with, so its a profitable venture.
some people spend their whole lives trying to find their soulmate. who knew mine was hiding in utah successfully balancing a pageant career and a coke habit.
I'm just going to eat until there's an actual reason why he wouldn't want to fuck me.
You came home screaming the lyrics to Drunk in love, and dumped wine on me when I said you would never be Beyoncé
Our office went out together for the first time to celebrate the fact our coworker got fired.
Your vagina must be outstanding or have a secret entrance to Narnia if someone is will to fly from Texas for one night of it.
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