I had a dream you and I were having sex. It was pretty romantic.... until you started pulling out toys.
Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
i knew it was time to break up with him once he pulled out the Halo foreplay costumes
He's married, a coworker, and a smoker. not sure which personal rule broken i'm most ashamed of...
i hate always having to make my eye shadow look really good since my eyes always end up closed by the end of the night in pics
When she was giving me head last night it felt like there was a NASCAR pit crew working on my dick.
I'm making celebratory pizza rolls. They're a lot like regular pizza rolls, but without the taste of shame.
I want to be the sort of person he can respect in the morning once the drugs wear off.
i think the last part kind of negates the first part there
New reason to drink: alcohol makes soda taste like goddamn gold.
Would it be weird to jack off in the hospital?
He had to put the child locks on the windows so you would stop screaming at random boys
Sitting in bed reading a porn novel off my phone and accidentally just made Siri start reading the most graphic part aloud. FUN FIRST NIGHT WITH THE NEW ROOMIE.
My cat just smacked my blunt from my hand and then put her head in my hand. I don't know how to feel
That dick was not the dick of a twenty year old
So you're willing to shred any respect that you had for your body on some random chick who's only looking for sex? That's the worst thing I've ever heard.
I mean, it won't be 100% meaningless, I know her middle name.
Randomize
