even in the morning, she still thinks my british accent is real.
We just described beer as "big boy apple juice" to his 2 year old.
We argued about the championship during sex. Absolutely the manliest moment of my life.
Nah you can have him. There's too many men in my life right now. I can't handle another dick.
just caught a 10 year old kid staring at my dick next to me in the urinal. i just nodded to him and said yeah, mines bigger little dude. i gotta stop drinking in public....
shes got that 'its my party i can do meth if i want to' mentality. i like that.
I stumbled in at 6am to find my cat in the window making a noise I've never heard her make. When I went to the window there was a goat outside staring at us.
Are you sure? Or did you just think there was a goat?
No there was a goat. I gave it a donut.
I feel like I just rode a horse, did a million jumping jacks, ran a marathon and need a carton on cigarettes. best sex hands down... EVER
So unless we're getting married, I can't see him cry AND have sex with him. It just doesn't work like that.
Antibacterial soap and prayers does not for spermicide make
I just puke and rallied at my anniversary dinner #winning
This couple is walking their pig around campus
God dammit everything I said last night about jungle juice being awesome just does not carry over into the next day
When the nurses wouldn't let him smoke in the hospital he decided to just roll around on the floor.
Dude I left his house at 5:30 a.m. after you peed on his front door and then tried to fight me for my blanket. Don't even do that at my house or I will end you.
hahahahaha. Worst. Text. Ever.
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