So remember when i bet you that girl uses dick to validate her existence?
...yea
She's valid.
Draw a picture of yourself puking and peeing on her and give it to her with a note that sys this could be your future if you be my friend
There's a paramedic out here, what have you done?
The baby slept soo good last night. Its like he knows the importance of me being intoxicated all weekend.
You should've stopped drinking when you started asking people for bites of tequila.
In hindsight, buying 4 different kinds of vibrators at once may have been a little overenthusiastic of me.
omg he fucking fingered me this morning. and i was just like this is the most awkward alarm clock ive ever had
I said we should get a taxi and you were waving down cars, three of which were cops and one of them slowed down and shook his head then kept driving
He didn't think we needed a taxi
I know it I should, but it's kinda nice. It's smells like unbridled enthusiasm and copious amounts of melt your face off sex.
I'm hoping that by this time next year we will be smoking some weed at a gay wedding, asking "Mitt who?"
I consider myself to be an upstream bisexual
You're the salmon of the gays...
New drinking game: Drink while you Drink. I'll explain the rules when I see you, needless to say, it's not difficult. Unless you enjoy sobriety, humanity and life. Bestest.
Last night I watered my lawn and smoked a joint then cooked a steak. I'm really killing this adulthood thing.
so this maintenance guy stood at the corner of my cubical and scratched his balls for like a full minute cause he thought no one could see him
so idk what that means but now because of me he has a police file as breaking into my apartment and sleeping in my hallway under the carpet
Randomize
