My STD test came back clean. I'd like to thank all the guys I've slept with, they made this possible. I want to say thanks to all my friends, for believing in me living up to the full slut potential. And last but not least, I'd like to thank alcohol. I wouldn't be who I am today w/out you. I feel like I need to frame this...
You couldn't hold yourhead up but you managed to unzip my zipper. That's skill..
Apparently 'she used to sleep with my brother' is not an acceptable answer to how do you know each other.
just gave another girl i passed on the walk of shame a high five
idk but i have you stored in my phone as 'guy with beard doing body shots'
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
If I don't come back from Italy with aids I did somethign wrong
Can you please reassure him im not a scary or intimidating person? And that really my entire life is a series of completely ridiculous events that have led me here?
Drinking heavily at 3pm and about to rescue a 30lb street turtle. Dont even bother attempting to rise to this level bitch
Plus I'm on the toilet and I can only describe it as if someone had kicked the cap off of a fire hydrant.
also new logic of mine : I fuck a Scottish kid , Scotland national animal is a Unicorn airgo I've come close to fucking a unicorns descendent, mother always said dreams come true
Took pain meds with RumChata this morning. It's like morning milk but better
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
At one point in the night, as we were running from the cops, I clearly remember you yelling "little gnomes are tickling the insides of my body!" ...that high.
You ran outside of the party to do the rain dance and swim in puddles
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