Also I am about to cut a ringtone from "Sex Machine" so James Brown can tell me to "get up, get on up" in the morning
I once woke up to the scream from 'get up offa that thing' and smacked my head on my desk
Gym doesn't open till 11. I'm sure that of the other four people waiting in the lobby, I'm the only one still drunk and only going to the gym to shower.
Stuck in the Dallas airport. At the bar. Everytime a flight to DC gets cancelled, I'm takin a shot. Fuck you snow.
sometimes i think life is slapping me across the face and laughing, saying "ha ha! you're an adult!"
I keep finding coffee grounds in my vagina
You were peeing on yourself thinking it was the sprinkler in your yard
Of course I was flustered, I had a lot of penis in my face.
I couldn't be mad. She was crying because she fell bare ass into the rose bush trying to pee. So I held her up mid-stream and she peed on my feet. No big
We played strip Bananagrams and I won. Thank fuck I read a lot as a child.
Hey, remember when Hot Stuff played in the back of the ambulance? Or no, cause of your concussion...
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
I'm just saying, I walked in on you blowing a burrito. I now understand how obsessed you are with Taco Bell. And how long it's been since you've got some.
Would it be sad if I made a blanket fort to get drunk in till the power came back?
I was just thinking about if my bath water turned to jello and got a little freaked out
When they said they were gonna tattoo each other's gamer tags on their asses, I knew I no longer had a boyfriend.
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