one word: firstdatebathroomanal
you would think someone who fights for his country could fight to last longer than 2 minutes
The only good thing about trampolines when you're fucked up is the gushing blood really cleans all the bad coke out of your nose.
I was just given a safe word. It's going it be an interesting night.
I don't care. I'm going to fuck John's friend and it's all your fault.
My favorite part was walking in the bathroom, you fixing yourself in the mirror, calling your reflection a fag, then throwing a haymaker into the paper towel dispenser before going back out to the bar.
He introduced me to his parents as the girl he made out with on Thursday night...
Cognac is not meant to be taken in shots. I just wanted you to know the desperation of last night.
I blacked out at the bar, and blcked in getting a handjob on a roller coaster. Sober me is jealous of drunk me.
I didnt say frisky time, just alone time, to chat, or watch a show, or stare into one anothers eyes, or souls, or asses, whatever you straight people do
What's Spanish for "I shouldn't have worn these underwear to work?"
At one point I was convinced he was a snake and was going to eat me And I just accepted it
He fed me jello shota while i was sitting on the toilet and then he peed in the shower
Happy 4 year arrest-aversary! I promise no thanksgiving has been as eventful as that one haha..
to be fair i didnt know she wanted to sleep with me
WHY THE FUCK ELSE WOULD SHE DRAG A STRAIGT MAN INTO A VICTORIA'S SECRET CHANGEROOM GODDAMMIT
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