When I masturbate I pretend my dick is the slap chop an I'm destroying vegtables. Do you think that's a eating disorder?
Yea i'm supposed to have jury duty on monday. Hope they don't mind me still being drunk.
Na you can't get charged for public intoxication unless you're outside. I checked.
my greatest accomplishment from the city of diplomacy is that i puked at a table of 5 diplomats and my professor and NONE OF THEM NOTICED
Just used "I used to work as an inflatable toy operator" as a pick up line. Freshman frenzy is great...
You call it a hangover, I call it a baby squirrel burrowing its way out of my head.
It feels like my uterus is trying to crawl out of my ass wearing cleats. And yourself?
I actively tried geting in the guy's pants and ended up in the girl's. I'm bad at this whole straight while drunk thing.
OH FOR FUCKS SAKE! SOMEONE TOOK ME FOR A GODDAMN PROSTITUTE!! IM WEARING LEG WARMERS!!! THAT IS LIKE THE LEAST HOOKERISH THING TO WEAR!
For my birthday I want you to get me in bed with Donald Trump. That is all. You have 3 months
I'd say tonight was pretty successful. I rode an iron horse naked and sweet talked myself out of an MIC while wearing a bra filled with four loko.
I want to wear Christmas sweaters with you.
Iron Man just asked me back to his place... Not sure I can handle this. Wish me luck.
Would you accept a fantastic blowjob as payment?
I drove them away with my sparkling personality and LOTR references.
Nothing wrong with a little cat scratch fever. You have toys?
A few, plus a dildo molded from a porn star that I've always been too intimidated of to actually use, but it's the apocalypse, and momma didn't raise no quitter.
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